Sunday, November 27, 2016

The Man I Love

Maybe I annoy you with my choices
Well, you annoy me sometimes too with your voice
But that ain't enough for me
To move out and move on

I remember when I said I wanted our future home to be all white, you looked so terribly annoyed
When I bought everything in pink, you always said 'it's so you'
and When I stopped by a shop seeing a cute Pooh stuff, you smiled, and secretly bought it for me later
I hate admitting that your instinct toward what I wanted was always right
You always came at right time with right things to carry for me
A little sweet surprise you gave me
Was the presence of you, the man I love

We don't have to hurry
You can take as long as you want
I'm holding steady
And my heart's at home
With my hand behind you
I will catch you if you fall

I was trying to holding on to what I'd been believing
I trusted my heart in you
That you would neither drop it off
Nor break it up
I believed you would catch me whenever I fall
Whenever life knock us down to our knees

Sometimes the world can make you feel
You're not welcome anymore
And you beat yourself up
You let yourself get mad
And in those times when you stop loving
The man I adore
You could relax
Because babe, I got your back
I got you

The world is dark and cruel place
That sometimes I felt myself unwanted
And I was told I were playing victim
But I am a survivor
I am stronger beyond that
The suffering I didn't share to anyone in this cruel world
I shared it with you
The one I believed
The one that always got my back
The one I called the man I love

I don't wish to change you
You've got it under control
You wake up each day different
Another reason for me to keep holding on
I'm not attached to any way you're showing up
I'm just gonna love you like the man I love

I didn't want you to change
To someone I didn't know
But you actually did, unconsciously
You gave me no reason to keep staying
I want my heart back in place
Inside the warm hands of the man I loved..

The woman I love - Jason Mraz

Sunday, November 20, 2016

As You Get Older

As you get older, you will understand more and more.
You will soon find out that the degrees you achieve, or the money you earn, do not define the parameter of success its self.
What really matters are not always be shown, not always could be measured.

As you get older, you will realise some things you didn't notice before; the peace and the joy you want to keep, the family you cherish.
In the end, you understand it's about quality, not quantity.

Stop a little while,
look after the one who never could be replaced.
Step a side for second,
place your family as your top priority.

Because work can wait. 
Because your dreams can wait and it's always waiting for you.

Make time, not excuses. We all make time for something we feel important in our lives.

Saturday, June 18, 2016

Don't Say

"Don't say you love me.. with no effort, no warmth, no attachment, no appreciation and no protection
you offered me. I want you to remember that the girl you've just lost, is the girl who's worth the fight."

Sunday, May 15, 2016

Trust Yourself, You Could Build A Castle, Out of All the Bricks They Threw At You

When life gives you a lemon, life actually also gives you three choices. First, you gotta ignore it. Second, you could prefer to be quiet and just run away. Last one, you could fight back: catch up that lemon and make a lemonade. Which one will you choose?

These past few days, I have been collecting all pebbles.. and bricks I received. Life is cruel. When you did right, you worked hard for it, no one care. It's quite contrary to the time when you did wrong. Is because black easier to seen than white? Or is because white is way easier to clean so all the dirt are more noticeable?

You are you, you are the key to all the pain and success in your own life. Your mind sometimes sabotages your path to willingness to fight back. It takes courage to get up and be dressed, to prepare yourself to a big fight. You couldn't just stay and be miserable for your own. The pressure you have received is actually good for you. 

It's essential to remember that the thing you want to change requires time, persistence, and also patience. Take one small step everyday, and leave a room to learn from your past mistakes.

From now on, you are going to do your best. 

"Cause baby I could build a castle, out of all the bricks they threw at me.."
New Romantics - Taylor Swift

Tuesday, May 3, 2016

Your Happily Ever After Is Always Near

Just today, I moved to Pulmonary Outpatient Clinic rotation. On the first day of my rotation, I saw heartbreaking scene. A grandparents couple came to my senior for consultation. They brought up the husband's thorax CT scan result. After seeing the film, facial expression of my senior changed. I knew this wouldn't be a good news. She walked over my supervisor, having serious conversation. Then I heard my supervisor said, "This is positively tumor."

My supervisor invited the patient, only the husband, to sit down in front of her, in a private place. Then she started talking, eye to eye with him.
"I'm sorry sir, there is certainly a mass in your lung," she took a deep breath, "a tumor, in your left lung."
This must be hard, for both patient and doctor. Delivering bad news has never been easy.
"But we need to take further tests to decide this is a cancer or not."

The patient didn't say anything. He must be shocked, I guessed. He stayed calm, but I saw his hands were shaking. Finished receiving enough explanation, he walked over to his wife. He smiled to her, "It's okay."

Most lung cancer does not cause symptom until they have spread or have developed into terminal stage. High mortality, poor prognosis. Honestly, I'm more curious on how this grandfather tell his wife about his newly diagnosed disease, how he will spend the remaining time he has. Most of all, is he strong enough to face the fact that he has to coping with cancer in everyday, from now on?

This must be extremely difficult. Might be, this time is his biggest breakdown of all time. 
The deepest pitfall that you might think you aren't able to get up again, it's the end of everything.


Few days ago, I read a beautiful line from my senior high school friend, Lentya. 
As she said, "In a glimpse of dream, hope, and expectation.. We will always meet our breakdown. So just hung in there. Tho it's hurt and tiring, but I believe there will be time for everything, include happiness. And even an ever after."
This reminds me what I've been believing, that wherever point you are, your happily ever after is always near. The distance between depends on how hard you create your magic and your trust in perfect timing. :)

Monday, March 14, 2016

For What You Deserve

"Never... never allow your self to be so desperate that you end up settling for far less than what you actually deserve."

Anonymous, to me. 

Monday, October 26, 2015

Three Words, Eight Letters, Say It and I'm Yours

I was always dreaming of fairy tales with happy ending. Prince and princess, white castle, white horse, white roses. It might not sound that simple, yes, I did believe in fairy tales.
But as I'm growing older, I realize not every love stories has its happy ending.


That morning, I got a chance to meet a someone new, someone I've not known before. While waiting in the supervisor's office waiting room, she greet me.
"Are you internal medicine resident?" She asked.
"No, I'm from cardiology department," I replied her smiling. She smiled back at me.
There was few seconds of silence until she started talking to me.
"Some days ago, I got my forearm some varices. My right forearm felt so numb, looked pale and blueish. It was pretty hurt, but after I underwent some examinations, there was nothing found in my forearm. I was asked to take medicines, but my HIV specialist didn't allow me to. Even without taking medicine, it's getting better than before."
Little suprised, I asked her carefully.
"Pardon me, are you a..." 
"Patient," she smiled again.

Fifteen minutes of chatting made me knowing her a lot.
She said she is a victim, who got infected HIV from her former husband. She just knew she's positive just before delivering her third baby on surgery.
"And how about your children...?"
"Alhamdulillah they are all negative," she said. Again, she smiled at me. But I knew her eyes were teary. Her voice was shaking. 

This woman, I presume she is her in early forty, is a strong fighter. She told me that 11 years ago, she was diagnosed with diabetes after got pregnant with baby no. 2. During medical check up before baby no.3's c-section, she was told that HIV positive. This year, she has to fight against Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of lymphatic system. After few series of chemotherapy and experiencing its side effects, stopped-Anti Retro Viral therapy (with amount of CD 4 only 16 she said, If I'm not mistaken), underwent several examinations for her varices, and now here she is, sitting in front of me, sharing some of her stories, sharing some of her suffering to me.

"It must be hard for you.." I said. I really didn't know what to tell as response. These whole story left me speechless with my heart breaking.
"Well, I have to be strong for my self. I have 3 children to raise."
I stared at her, admiring her beauty. I saw shine throughout her eyes. 
"So how is your husband now?"
"Ah, he's been passed away few years ago..." 
"Surely you must not forgive him until now..." I guessed.
She went silent for a while.
"No.. I felt bad for him for not having enough time to spend with his children."


I had an extraordinary Friday morning. Like, Allah sent me someone to slap in the face, to stop me for complaining and regretting. We often forget the biggest blessing that we have to be thankful, a good health. This woman, even she looked healthy, is in very ill condition. Good health, is more than feeling good to be alive. It's a way beyond it. It's more than living, it's more than functioning. Being healthy is a blessing, therefore you have to make sure yourself contributing in society, as a gratitude of your health. 

Beside being grateful for our good health, there was other thing that I learned.
A forgiveness.
Forgiveness she gave on her husband amazed me. Everyone makes mistakes, so did her husband, and she forgave. I ever heard that love is about forgive, not forget.. And even after seeing her husband's dark sides, they stayed together. She might not have other choices, but she didn't regret and she lived with it. A forgiveness, it doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge future. Knowing her husband in terminal ill, she didn't leave. She took care of him. She stayed, until the last day of his breath. 

A fairy tale doesn't always end happily ever after. 
We are only human being, we've never been perfect. It takes courage to love, to overcoming obstacles. You have to work on your own tale, to make it happy ending. 
To build up your love, so it's not left as just a dream...

NB. Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf's is one of my favorite modern fairy tale. To see they both fighting for each other, to see how Chuck deeply fall for Blair... encourage me to have my own version of love story.