Three Words, Eight Letters, Say It and I'm Yours

I was always dreaming of fairy tales with happy ending. Prince and princess, white castle, white horse, white roses. It might not sound that simple, yes, I did believe in fairy tales.

But as I'm growing older, I realize not every love stories has its happy ending.

***

That morning, I got a chance to meet a someone new, someone I've not known before. While waiting in the supervisor's office waiting room, she greet me.

"Are you internal medicine resident?" She asked.

"No, I'm from cardiology department," I replied her smiling. She smiled back at me.

There was few seconds of silence until she started talking to me.

"Some days ago, I got my forearm some varices. My right forearm felt so numb, looked pale and blueish. It was pretty hurt, but after I underwent some examinations, there was nothing found in my forearm. I was asked to take medicines, but my HIV specialist didn't allow me to. Even without taking medicine, it's getting better than before."

Little suprised, I asked her carefully.

"Pardon me, are you a..." 

"Patient," she smiled again.

Fifteen minutes of chatting made me knowing her a lot.

She said she is a victim, who got infected HIV from her former husband. She just knew she's positive just before delivering her third baby on surgery.

"And how about your children...?"

"Alhamdulillah they are all negative," she said. Again, she smiled at me. But I knew her eyes were teary. Her voice was shaking. 

This woman, I presume she is her in early forty, is a strong fighter. She told me that 11 years ago, she was diagnosed with diabetes after got pregnant with baby no. 2. During medical check up before baby no.3's c-section, she was told that HIV positive. This year, she has to fight against Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of lymphatic system. After few series of chemotherapy and experiencing its side effects, stopped-Anti Retro Viral therapy (with amount of CD 4 only 16 she said, If I'm not mistaken), underwent several examinations for her varices, and now here she is, sitting in front of me, sharing some of her stories, sharing some of her suffering to me.

"It must be hard for you.." I said. I really didn't know what to tell as response. These whole story left me speechless with my heart breaking.

"Well, I have to be strong for my self. I have 3 children to raise."

I stared at her, admiring her beauty. I saw shine throughout her eyes. 

"So how is your husband now?"

"Ah, he's been passed away few years ago..." 

"Surely you must not forgive him until now..." I guessed.

She went silent for a while.

"No.. I felt bad for him for not having enough time to spend with his children."

***

I had an extraordinary Friday morning. Like, Allah sent me someone to slap in the face, to stop me for complaining and regretting. We often forget the biggest blessing that we have to be thankful, a good health. This woman, even she looked healthy, is in very ill condition. Good health, is more than feeling good to be alive. It's a way beyond it. It's more than living, it's more than functioning. Being healthy is a blessing, therefore you have to make sure yourself contributing in society, as a gratitude of your health. 

Beside being grateful for our good health, there was other thing that I learned.

A forgiveness.

Forgiveness she gave on her husband amazed me. Everyone makes mistakes, so did her husband, and she forgave. I ever heard that love is about forgive, not forget.. And even after seeing her husband's dark sides, they stayed together. She might not have other choices, but she didn't regret and she lived with it. A forgiveness, it doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge future. Knowing her husband in terminal ill, she didn't leave. She took care of him. She stayed, until the last day of his breath. 

A fairy tale doesn't always end happily ever after. 

We are only human being, we've never been perfect. It takes courage to love, to overcoming obstacles. You have to work on your own tale, to make it happy ending. 

To build up your love, so it's not left as just a dream...

NB. Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf's is one of my favorite modern fairy tale. To see they both fighting for each other, to see how Chuck deeply fall for Blair... encourage me to have my own version of love story. 

It's My Birthday!

Happy 4th of July everyone!

This Saturday feels special to me, because today is my birthdaaay!

I thank Allah for giving chance for me to see another year. Another year to experience happiness and joy to make memories. Another year to learn the life lessons. Another year to be thankful for all blessings.

I woke up today smiling. My boyfriend actually wanted to call me at 12 am, but we didn't make it. Thinking that I was sleeping peacefully, he didn't have a heart to make a birthday call, so he let me staying in deep sleep and decided to congratulate me in the morning. So if you ask me if what surprise I received at midnight, I didn't get any. XD

By the time I woke up, I looked up to my phone and found lots notifications telling me happy birthday. I got my dad, my little sis, and my boyfriend calling me. Dad was in Semarang for business trip, my little sis was at hospital for night shift, and my boyfriend was staying at home finishing household chores, and Mom was the only person who kissed me for a happy birthday. 

Around 11 am, my boyfriend came and brought me surprises. A cake, balloons, and a birthday gift (which is unwrapped and without any birthday card. It is so him!) were delivered to my doorstep. He forced himself to buy me cake and balloons at late night even he had no ride. Later I know he asked my bestfriend and my little sis a help. A sweet man and I'm a lucky girlfriend. :)

And here it is my birthday present: Xiaomi Yi Action Camera. It's described as GoPro Killer, a travel camera with wide angle lens. Though you're using GoPro and now I am on Xiaomi Yi's side, we will stay together no matter what (hahaha!) Thank you boyfriend, I love you! 

I also got delicious sushi package delivered today from kindhearted girl, Sofi. Between busy residency life and wedding preparation, she still remembered my birthday by sending me a thoughtful gift. And what's written on birthday card moved me. My another fave girl. :)

About 10 pm, someone surprised me by bringing her handmade pudding. Although she said it was all failed pudding, to me this is a perfect gift. I know her for years, and thanking Allah for sending me a good best friend. The one who always stays and supports, the perfectly imperfect girl I love, Olivia. I wish you all the best and may our friendship lasts forever as well!

I close the day by having birthday dinner with family and beloved ones. The love of a family is the life's greatest blessing, they said. My mom and dad are amazing and I'm lucky to have them as parents. It may take a lifetime, but I'll do everything to repay what they have done for me. Please stay healthy, mama papa, and thank you for showering me with unconditional love you have. Thank you for making me a girl I am today.

Many thank you to who remember the day I was born! Thank you for your kind wishes!

My famous little sister!!  She really is very annoying, but I love my baby sister further than to moon and back! Even I am out of words how I'm gonna thanking her. She's my treasure and I will keep her close forever. I love you dedeq and qooma (her 13 yo teddy bear) a lot!

 

You know what the hardest thing really is? To forbid my boyfriend uploading my alay photos!! 

Thank you for the birthday wishes, my sister from another mother, Dian. Even we rarely meet, you know I will be there whenever you need me. My colleague, my internship mate, my 'I know your dirty little secrets!!' partner (hahahaha). May you succeed everything in life too! We shall meet!

The stronges girl I've ever known. A girl with brave and big heart. Those compliments you mentioned me, I think you are the one who actually deserve: smart, pretty and thoughtful. In your case, it should be added 'strong and unbeatable'. Thank you for the kind wishes Wina, let's find happiness and be happy! You are hundred times prettier with your smile! :) 

I never thought she's still keeping the card and gift! A year ago, we were both medical residency entrance exam fighters. When the test results were announced, I was happy and sad at the same time. Happy that I got accepted, but also sad knowing my dearest friend were not. I had no idea what to act towards her. To offer encourage words.. not. To text her and cheer her up.. not.  After all I decided to bring her a little gift and notes in it instead of saying it all by my self. I'm glad that she made through it and we are in the same team now. Be ready to be annoyed for the rest of your study years, Agit! XD

To everyone who congratulated me on my birthday through call, Line and Whatsapp chat, leaving birthday wishes in Path and Twitter, I cherish and thank you all! Each wishes mean a lot to me and definitely made my day. May all the good wishes return to you all. :)

Dear Romeo

Among all the hectic days, there will be a day when you are knocked down. More than usual bad day with bad mood. Being a newbie in 'real world' taught me many things. How to deal with people you don't like, how to react when you're blamed for mistakes we didn't do, how to accept things when you're not appreciated. I learned a lot. When the hard days attack, I know I have somewhere to run: here in my blog. :)

Writing is really a reliever. Beside praying, of course. When I'm deeply drowned, there is only one place I will look up to. To Up right there. Sometimes I think if I get depression, then I pray I am not. Life is always hard, you know. But when I came to think, "Why always me, Allah?", it was always followed by an answer, "Because it's you." That's how I gained my strength back.

Do good. Be good. Even the world doesn't notice and appreciate, you always have to behave good. :)

"I got tired of waiting, wondering if you were ever coming around,

My faith in you was fading,

When I met you on the outskirts of town, I said,

Romeo, save me, I've been feeling so alone,

I keep waiting for you but you never come, 

Is this in my head? I don't know what to think,

He knelt to the ground and pulled put a ring and said..

Marry me, Julliet, you'll never have to be alone,

I love you and that's all I really know,

I talked to your dad - go pick out a white dress,

It's a love story, baby just say.. yes."

My Fave Ayah

"Allah does not burden a soul beyond that it can bear." 

Surah Baqarah / Verse 286

This Shall Too Pass

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. Trust Allah today no matter how dark your situation. Untill Allah says, "You are coming out!""

These days seem hard, but somehow this shall too pass. :)

NB The patient with ca cervix and DVT I told you in previous post, passed away few days ago, at her home. I wish her a peaceful eternal rest. You'll be missed, Mam. Al-fatihah..

Be Kind

Remember a patient with Ca cervix and Deep Vein Thrombosis I told you in my last post?
She sent us lunch boxes. Yummy nasi kuning (yellow Indonesian rice) and grilled chicken! Happy!

What new about me is.. I cut my hair off. I feel like the weight of the world has been lifted off of my shoulders. At first I wanted to keep my hair long and curly, like pretty Korean actress Park Shin Hye, but then I realized my workplace didn't support me with those hairstyle. It's pretty hot in Cardiology ward, so it will be quite difficult to keep the long curly hair and make it last. So I finally had the gut to cut it, and voila! New me with short-bob hair. :)

Just in few months being a resident, I learnt to be more patient and kind. Sometimes it got me on my nerve when someone rudely spoke to me. Meeting mean people I might dislike but still I have to be nice is challenging. It's not called with two-faced, but it's more like being mature, dealing with all the rudeness and approaching situation calmly. Most of times, I moved on and just restored my sanity by banishing this kind of person from my thoughts. Still, how people could be able to say such harmful words to others is beyond me. Making fun of others about their limitations has never been funny.

"There is enough pain in this world, it does not need anymore suffering. Be kind."

So there, be kind. Good night.

A Little Hello

A blog has always been a comfort place to come back to, don't you think? :)

My days had been busy lately. I often came back home late, and if I didn't have any homeworks to finish, I always caught myself lying down on my comfy bed. And falling asleep until the next morning. At 4, I woke up, took shower and rushed to hospital. 

I never knew this residency thing bring me a lot of changes. Tired yet exciting at the same time. Meeting new people provides me experiences. There were several times I thought hard, difficult and not easy, but when I've successfully overcame all, I started curved my lips and smile. I learned lots. :)

One day, I was dragging by my senior resident to a patient we took care together. As a observer, I help my senior to do the everyday-basic examination and all the administration things. This patient was diagnosed with Deep Vein Thrombosis and Ca cervix (Cervix cancer) in advanced stadium, with its complications: hypoalbumine, easily bleeding because of warfarin use, peripheral edema. We could say that this case was dubois ad malam. Even it's so, my senior resident tried his best to bring her at her highest state of health she could. At that day, he wanted to me say some farewell words before she discharged. 

"I apologize for any words that might hurt you mam, I wish you speedy recovery," I said formally. I thought I was running out of words, didn't know what to say any other than that.

"I thank you for all your help, dr. Risa," she smiled, "For all your motivational words. I must be strong as you said."

That moment frezeed me. 

I remembered everyday I came to her, telling her over again to eat at least five boiled eggs to increase her albumine levels. Some days, after I knew she was also diagnosed with depression (she lost his husband in accident, if I'm not mistaken), I told her to be strong, because her only daughter needs her. Some other day I grumbled at her because she only ate french fries from (maybe biggest all over world) fast food restaurant, not eating her lunch that already served by hospital. I said, "This food provides all the nutrition you need, so why don't you finish your luuuuunnnnch?" Then she answered me, "This food is tasteless." "I know but.. You have to eat nutritious food no matter what." :/

Everytime I came for her, she complained about discomfort in her stomach. I couldn't tell her that her cancer already spread to liver and caused those discomfort. Later I found out that cancer has already spread to her lungs.

Malam, I know, but I kept telling her to be better soon. 

"I'll see you in your visit to Clinic," I said, trying to put my best smile. It's heartbreaking to say "get well soon" to patients with terminal ill.

"Sure, I will get healthy soon."*

I also got funny questions from patients. 

"Doctor, during the bypass surgery, do they stop my heart, pull it out and repair it?"

"So my heart is filled with amount of fluid. Where do they come from?"

"Can I go home right now? I already feel better than yesterday."

Some questions are annoying sometimes, but I had no other choice than trying to give the best answer with a big smile. *facepalm*

So, this is a little hello from me after years not writing. Promise to come back as soon as I could. :)

Have a great day!