For What You Deserve

"Never... never allow your self to be so desperate that you end up settling for far less than what you actually deserve."

Anonymous, to me. 

Three Words, Eight Letters, Say It and I'm Yours

I was always dreaming of fairy tales with happy ending. Prince and princess, white castle, white horse, white roses. It might not sound that simple, yes, I did believe in fairy tales.

But as I'm growing older, I realize not every love stories has its happy ending.

***

That morning, I got a chance to meet a someone new, someone I've not known before. While waiting in the supervisor's office waiting room, she greet me.

"Are you internal medicine resident?" She asked.

"No, I'm from cardiology department," I replied her smiling. She smiled back at me.

There was few seconds of silence until she started talking to me.

"Some days ago, I got my forearm some varices. My right forearm felt so numb, looked pale and blueish. It was pretty hurt, but after I underwent some examinations, there was nothing found in my forearm. I was asked to take medicines, but my HIV specialist didn't allow me to. Even without taking medicine, it's getting better than before."

Little suprised, I asked her carefully.

"Pardon me, are you a..." 

"Patient," she smiled again.

Fifteen minutes of chatting made me knowing her a lot.

She said she is a victim, who got infected HIV from her former husband. She just knew she's positive just before delivering her third baby on surgery.

"And how about your children...?"

"Alhamdulillah they are all negative," she said. Again, she smiled at me. But I knew her eyes were teary. Her voice was shaking. 

This woman, I presume she is her in early forty, is a strong fighter. She told me that 11 years ago, she was diagnosed with diabetes after got pregnant with baby no. 2. During medical check up before baby no.3's c-section, she was told that HIV positive. This year, she has to fight against Hodgkin's Lymphoma, a cancer of lymphatic system. After few series of chemotherapy and experiencing its side effects, stopped-Anti Retro Viral therapy (with amount of CD 4 only 16 she said, If I'm not mistaken), underwent several examinations for her varices, and now here she is, sitting in front of me, sharing some of her stories, sharing some of her suffering to me.

"It must be hard for you.." I said. I really didn't know what to tell as response. These whole story left me speechless with my heart breaking.

"Well, I have to be strong for my self. I have 3 children to raise."

I stared at her, admiring her beauty. I saw shine throughout her eyes. 

"So how is your husband now?"

"Ah, he's been passed away few years ago..." 

"Surely you must not forgive him until now..." I guessed.

She went silent for a while.

"No.. I felt bad for him for not having enough time to spend with his children."

***

I had an extraordinary Friday morning. Like, Allah sent me someone to slap in the face, to stop me for complaining and regretting. We often forget the biggest blessing that we have to be thankful, a good health. This woman, even she looked healthy, is in very ill condition. Good health, is more than feeling good to be alive. It's a way beyond it. It's more than living, it's more than functioning. Being healthy is a blessing, therefore you have to make sure yourself contributing in society, as a gratitude of your health. 

Beside being grateful for our good health, there was other thing that I learned.

A forgiveness.

Forgiveness she gave on her husband amazed me. Everyone makes mistakes, so did her husband, and she forgave. I ever heard that love is about forgive, not forget.. And even after seeing her husband's dark sides, they stayed together. She might not have other choices, but she didn't regret and she lived with it. A forgiveness, it doesn't change the past, but it does enlarge future. Knowing her husband in terminal ill, she didn't leave. She took care of him. She stayed, until the last day of his breath. 

A fairy tale doesn't always end happily ever after. 

We are only human being, we've never been perfect. It takes courage to love, to overcoming obstacles. You have to work on your own tale, to make it happy ending. 

To build up your love, so it's not left as just a dream...

NB. Chuck Bass and Blair Waldorf's is one of my favorite modern fairy tale. To see they both fighting for each other, to see how Chuck deeply fall for Blair... encourage me to have my own version of love story. 

This Shall Too Pass

"When a train goes through a tunnel and it gets dark, you don't throw away the ticket and jump off. You sit still and trust the engineer. Trust Allah today no matter how dark your situation. Untill Allah says, "You are coming out!""

These days seem hard, but somehow this shall too pass. :)

NB The patient with ca cervix and DVT I told you in previous post, passed away few days ago, at her home. I wish her a peaceful eternal rest. You'll be missed, Mam. Al-fatihah..

About Counting Stars, Chasing Dreams and Pursuing Happiness

(On blogger's block. I am sorry that I'm trying to overcome it. Wish me luck!)

Overheard Somewhere

Girl 1: "What do you expect from a guy? A faith?"

Girl 2: "...And a future."

What I Learned Today

"I met my senior in this sympo, and to me, he spoke out about his resignation. He was once general surgery resident and I'd always thought he made wrong decision by giving up on the chance that dreamt by every general practitioner; being a resident. Today, I know the reasons behind his big decision and I wholeheartedly respect him for that: his father's been seriously ill and he had to earn money for his family. There was one or two things I learned, to not judge anyone without knowing the whole stories, and to be kind to anyone because... Everyone is fighting their own battles." 

The A Team

I once didn't believe in love at first sight. But when it happened to myself, I started to believe if there's something that even no one could explain about that feeling. I also started to believe that one can fall for another one for several times. Fall for the same person, to see that imperfect person perfectly, all over again... :)

 

And it's too cold outside
For angel to fly...

(The A Team, Ed Sheeran covered by Alex Goot)

Be Proud, Doc :)

Last night, I had sleepless night shift. Amount of patients admitted to emergency room of Puskesmas, causing me and two nurses lacked of sleep. Every thirty minutes or one hour one patient came, asking for the medications. Me, with half eyes opened, tried my best to give the examinations and treatments that able to be given in a small health centre. But this, there was one patients stole my attention a lot. 

He was admitted in the early morning, when the sun began to rise, well about 5 or 6 at the morning. I was finishing the medical record of patients before him, and suddenly he came to emergency room 'carried' by 3 or 4 people, and from the far I saw him unconscious and well... not breathing. I run to him, and asking for the Ambu bag and adrenalin injection to nurses. No radial, brachial and carotic pulse palpated at first, then I finally got the pulse palpated, very weak pulse. I thought that was a DOA (Death on Arrival), and be ready to deliver the bad news to the family. I called the patient's name, trying to examine the conscious state of him. No eye opening. No response to pain stimulus. Until I came to the conclusion he had severe brain injury, he was unable to take a deep breath, gasping for air. I could only give oxygen mask,  and massive fluid infusion, and no mayo provided in health centre. I thought he was in poor yet stable condition until I saw him... Stop breathing.

Fast, I called for the help to assist the Ambu bag, found my way to get the plastic chair closer, climbed up to it and started giving CPR. I aggresively gave the intravenous fluids the due to the very weak carotic pulse. and unmeasured blood pressure. 5 minutes at firts, we got no response from patients. I examined his eyes, myosis at left and midriasis at right one. As long as the both sides didn't show maximum midriasis, I thought we still had a hope, then I continued giving CPR for 15 more. 

And finally I saw him coughing... and I could palpate his radial pulse. Strong enough. He regained ROSC. :)

That indescribable feeling came after. Be proud, doc, you all have the ability to provide the best medical treatments, to save one's life. No need to listen to those harassment and bullying, to those direspectful behaviours people show you about your profession. Go. Your patients need it. :)

How to save a life - Grey's Anatomy casts

One Dream

One of my biggest dream is to wear the same traditional wedding gown my Mom wore 25 years ago on her wedding day. I think every girl has ever dreamed of it. May the beautiful black kebaya fits me on that special day.. Soon, when the prince charming arrives! :')

What makes a "Best Doctor"?

Been in hometown for a while, spending night by traveling around the net world. I found one good page (from here), a very good reminder for us as a GP. This article collects opinions about how doctors in one teaching hospital *guess so* define 'good doctor'. May what I've quoted here helps you, my fellow doctors and colleagues, to walk through the rocky roads to be a good doctor. :)

Miguel Paniagua, M.D., geriatrics: "My father said the day you feel comfortable practicing is the day you should quit, as complacency leads to mistakes. We should always be students of the art and science of medicine."

Salvador Cruz-Flores, M.D., neurology: "A great physician should be caring, compassionate and competent but he or she should also be available and affable. A physician should care more for the person who suffers an illness than for the disease a patient has."

Donald Jacobs, M.D., vascular surgery: "How do you define excellence in the profession? Dedication and commitment to provide the most advanced care and the ability to effectively communicate in a compassionate way."

Terry Moore, M.D., rheumatology: "I would define excellence in the profession as being a physician who updates his knowledge daily and keeps abreast of all new findings, teaches medical students, residents, and fellows well, and is active in clinical, transitional, or basic research. A great doctor not only treats the whole patient medically, but is courteous and fully explains and answers a patient's questions."

John Eisenbeis, M.D., otolaryngology: "Always put the patient first. Think about how you would be feeling if you were the patient. What are your concerns as the patient and, as the doctor, believe and address every single one of those concerns. Worry about your patients. If you do, you won't stop trying to cure them until they are cured."

Julie Gammack, M.D., geriatrics: "A great physician puts the needs of the patient above his or her personal, financial, and professional aspirations....hears, not just listens to the patient, and fosters a caring and trusting therapeutic relationship."

Ali Mehdirad, M.D., cardiology: "Be familiar with the latest literature, apply it to patient care, love what you do, respect, communicate, listen, respond to your patients' concerns and always remember that your patient is number one on your list."

Dulce Cruz Oliver, M.D., geriatrics: "A good doctor is a person who will accompany a patient on his or her journey both while suffering and while enjoying life."

Bruce Bacon, M.D., hepatology: "I think it is a privilege to be able to care for patients and to have their trust. Important attributes are to be caring and compassionate, to listen to your patient's needs, to answer their questions honestly, realizing that they are often afraid of what is going on, and to provide careful follow up communicating with patients in language and terms that they can understand."

Ghazala Hayat, M.D., neurology: "I value being such an integral part of the lives of my patients, having their trust, trying my best to cure or alleviate their ailments and furthering the progress of medicine through research and education."

David Karges, M.D., orthopaedic surgery: "A ‘best doctor' is one who is removed of hubris, who avoids the comfort zone and who strives to continually educate patients, and self, about injury and disease."

Jeffrey Teckman, M.D., pediatrics: "When you respect the intellect, are comfortable with the manner, and sense the heart of compassion you know you've got a ‘Best Doctor.'"

Anthony J. Scalzo, M.D., pediatrics: "We take a sacred oath upon becoming physicians and should never lose sight of what is really important, the health of individual patients, their physical, emotional and spiritual needs and those of their family and loved ones. If one's compass heading is set on doing your very best to heal all of these aspects of human health, then you will achieve best practice and always do what is right for the patient."

Dee Anna Glaser, M.D., dermatology: "I believe that you should treat your patients in the same way that you would want your own family treated. If you have done that, you have done the best you possibly could!"

Bill Sasser, M.D., cardiothoracic surgery: "Be prepared to give your best, always. Sometimes it is hard to be happy, but it is never acceptable to be rude. Let the patient know that you are human. Tell them stories about your life and family. Laugh every now and then."

Tim Rice, M.D., general internal medicine and pediatrics: "Great doctors are good communicators. They have the ability to listen to and understand their patient's concerns, and help them understand their condition. Great doctors care about their patients and people in need and are willing to help in anyway they can, whether the patient is sitting in their office or half a world away."

***

To me, the best answer goes to this:

Lisa Cannada, M.D., orthopaedic surgery: "My golden rule is ‘always treat the patients as if they are your family members.' Make sure you are available to answer questions and that they understand the answers."

Have you been a good doctor yet? :)

Quotation

I miss everything about her.
Her smile.
Her laugh.
The way she walks.
The way she talks.

God, I miss her! I've been living in hell since she left me.
I often caught myself staring at her picture.
I remember the day I saw her, even though it wasn't love at first sight. We went to the same university. I knew her but she didn't know me. She was somebody else's girlfriend. But I knew one thing at the first time I saw her. She's got something that words can't tell.

(Test Pack - Ninit Yunita)

Is that nice if there's someone who falls in love with you that deep and never give up on you? May we find one. Amiiiiin. :)

Current Fave

Malaikat Juga Tahu - Dewi Lestari

Beautiful. :)

About The Giving Up

As I have graduated med school, I do have lots spare time at home (while waiting for internship year begins). Don't have the chances to do the private practice -simply, unemployed and not working- (we are not allowed without having SIP and STR), so what I did during my leisure time is.. this.

Tried to bake some cakes yesterday and I... ruined it. It went bantet and the cream cheese frosting tasted eneg.

I followed a cupcake recipe I found on a blog, and both the cakes and frosting came out not well as I have expected. I was thinking of perfectly adapting the recipe but I am quite dissapointed with the result and try rethinking what went wrong.  But I believe in power of "Practice makes perfect", so will try again and next time will be better! :)

This in only baking cake. Another failed-things-I-have-accomplished- list is still, yet to come. *tearing*

At first I felt like giving up. I might be not good in cooking, hehehe, really. I ruined every recipe I tried. But then I came to realize that I was too easy to give up and not try. Although the cakes I baked didn't taste as good as the ones I bought in one of  famous cakes and pastries shop here, still, there's always who appreciates what I've done. The smiles on their face when I gave them these bantet cakes... priceless. :') (Papa got teary and smiled widely when received this!)

You always deserve a reward for your hard work (even if it was failed), a reminder that you have done your best; at least you've tried. All the hard work will be paid off, even if it's not today, someday will be. Do not overthink and just stop worrying. As long as you're trying the bestest you can, you will successfully reach the goals. And dreams. Remember, Allah always listens and Allah never sleeps. :)

As Fairy Godmother in Cinderella said, Even miracles take a little time.  Miracles happen to those who believe in them, and to those who work hard for it. It can be hard to stay motivated, and when the motivation starts..you know, fading away, try to be focus on the goal you're trying to achieve. See how far you've come,  I guarantee you'll live with regret for your whole life if you decide to quit. ;) Keep moving forward and not looking back, let Allah lead you to where you are meant to be. This is not only about baking cupcakes, but also the times you've spent overthinking and worrying. 

You can never please everyone. That's not your job tho. You'll never be able to make everyone happy. All the decisions made during the journey, we can never know for sure when we make the right one or not. One of them might be like a ticking time bomb ready to apply damage were it can hurt the most, but once again, give the best you can. All the good will follow after. Maybe not today, but tomorrow someday.

Allah, I truly believe miracles happen everyday, and may I ask You for one?

Please lead my way, give me strength and power to continue,

Bless me with good vision so I can clearly see which is good and which one is not,

I know You will make a way through this chaos, because I believe You're good always. :)

A Reminder

"We grow, we deliberately forget things,
Some of it happy, most of it sad,

Keep it as a tiny piece of memory in the secluded alley of our labyrinth 
called brain, 

For the sake of our sanity, functionality and ultimately,
Life, which must go on, 

We then emerge as a brand new one, 
Looks alright,
Healthy, sane,
At the same time bearing scars,

Scary, frightening,
But maybe that's being adult.
Being scary.

Or so everyone's been doing."

(RAH, 31/12/2012)

My best friend sent me this while counting down to new year. "This is meant for you after all," he said.

Then I replied, "Being adult means being scared, but we also conquer that fear." :)

The Celebrations

First of all, Happy New Year!

I'm celebrating the NYE by writing this post. Parents never let me going out until late night, so I stay and whisper little prayers for the year ahead. May all the good things come your way, and may Allah blesses you with love, luck and care. All the best wishes. :)

Haec Olim Meminisse luvabit -One day we'll look back on this and smile. There are so much things I have gained in 2012. Lots. I learned thousand lessons too, made many mistakes and shed a lot of both happy and sad tears.

How has your year of 2012 been? Only one right word to describe mine: Tough. 2012 has had been a tough year. The ups and downs I've been through would perfectly prove the word which I chose. At beginning it (might) seemed hard, but the ending was incredibly awesome! I couldn't be more happier and grateful!

What are 10 things you love about year 2012? That will be hard for me to pick the 10 best things among other best things. Wait, there you go:
1. Passed judicium!
2. Passed UKDI/NACE (National Competence Examination).
3. Inauguration preps. Love!
4. Cooked more complicated dishes. I might not succeed in making it look good, but it's still taste ok. Did I? :D
5. Worked shifts as a doctor, not intern (anymore). And made my own money.
6. No more Ayu Tingting. My hair grows longer.
7. Drove somewhere new alone. Even got lost along the way, I made it.
8. Learned to make myself up. A newbie, yet I wasn't that bad at all. :D
9. Made a new friend, a handsome companion: a suupaaa cute little teddy bear.
10. And I started writing a new story. :)

What were your lowest points this year? Mmm, when went through a heart break? Or to break someones'? To be honest, that is. But I'm more scared of losing the ones I love: amazing fam, greatest friends and sweetest Boyf. :)

What lessons have you learned from those low points? I learned to bounce back after the hard fall. To be stronger and to complain less and to be grateful for everything I have now. To appreciate your loved ones and try not to hurt them. To pray and forgive who have hurt. To keep faith in The Almighty. More love and less hate. Bismillah.

What could you have done better this year? My cooking skills! I'm so proud that I've improved a lot! 

What can you do to ensure you don't repeat the same behaviors in 2013? I'll be more carefull in everything. I'm that type of careless person and don't really pay close attention in any kind of things. I'll change, I promise. Moreover, I have to be well planned. 

What are you most gratedul for in 2012? I'm really thankful for everything Allah gave me. :)

What are your biggest accomplishments last year? That I am finally a medical doctor!

And what your wishes for the year ahead? I wish for everything good. My family to be blessed and stay healthy, my friends to keep the joy around, and my Boyf.... May we go stronger this year. Amin amin ya rabbal alamiiin. :)

Once again, shinnen akemashite omedetou. Kotoshi mo yoroshiku onegaishimasu. :)

Will You Still

Will you still love her...
Even if she's not that type of a girl you're dreaming of?
Will you still love her.. Even if she's not the kind of person you wished she were?

She's not that kinda 'it' girl.
She doesn't spend her money on clothes and make-ups.
She doesn't have a supermodel sized weights.
Her hair is not that type of long, dark and straight one.
She doesn't travel around the world like the girl you're admiring.
She doesn't read heavy and english books.
She's not photogenic. No, she's not.
She doesn't have the good sense of music. She doesn't listen to top 40.
She'd not been born with briliant brain and darn fluently english like she has.
She's really like.... ordinary.


Will you still worship her... Even if she's not perfect?
Will you still love her tomorrow? :)

Give Your Heart A Break

So...I start to write again. How are you dearest readers? :)

I'm enjoying my recent life too much til I couldn't make my time for blogging. Been busy with the judicium, UKDI/NACE preps, lovely love life :p and etc. No time for logging into blogspot eh? I actually had, yet the desire to write didn't come either. So I postponed lots of failed posts, waiting for the right time to get them published after uncountable revision. :p

Last few days, I went out of town. My dad asked me to accompany him during the work trip and promised me little escape from daily routines. I was that excited until I told my Boyf about my trip. I thought everything would be okay. We're only separated for few days, and still can communicate well through the messengers and phone call. I had been through the hardest long distance relationship and I survived, and this time I'm sure I will make it too. 

.....

But in fact, it was not as easy as it seemed. :l

I might be stupidly in love. But the texts and calls.... never been enough. I used to meet him (almost) everyday. Listening to his jokes and laugh have been my daily pills of happiness. He loves the cheek pinch of mine. Now he's 355 miles away. In my spare time, I liked to re-read our silly conv, re-play sweetest voice notes and be keen to scroll up and down on screen seeing his pictures. I miss him!

Whenever I started feeling sad because I miss him, I remind myself how lucky I am to have someone so special to miss. I hope he miss me too the same way I miss him. :)

It's only a starter for the one year long distance relationship. Right, I'll be on remote areas for giving medical sevices. We will be okay, I repeat, we will be okay. Distance never separates two hearts that really care, right? ;)

I found beautiful quotes from Bob Marley, which says:

"You may not be her first or her last. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together, but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

I thank Allah for blessing me with sweetest Boyf, the one that take care of me really well. Have I told you I looooooove you? (Excuse me for being Alay :p. Forgive me for the PDA this time. I'm so dumbly proud and happy for being his gf. :p)

Because a successful relationship requires falling in love many times, always with the same person. :)

"Cause you've been hurt before

I can see it in your eyes

You try to smile it away

Some things, you can't disguise

I don't wanna break your heart,

I can ease the ache

So, let me give your heart a break.."

(Give your heart a break, performed by Lea Michelle and Dean Geyer of Glee)

Quote today!

Treat everyone with politeness, even those who are rude to you.

Not because they are nice, but because you are! :)

Story of Us

Vino : "Gue gak peduli orang-orang yang mandang sebelah mata hubungan gue sama dia, 

gue gak takut sama orang-orang yang berusaha sekuat tenaga ngancurin gue dan misahin dia.

Tapi yang gue takutin cuma satu..."

Marsha : "Yaitu saat gue ngebuka mata gue di pagi hari, 

dan gue tau dia nggak cinta lagi sama gue."

Marsha Timothy - Vino G. Bastian in Story of Us

First time I saw this video, my eyes got teary. How sweet. :')

Indeed, a relationship should be between two people, not the whole world.

To keep the relationship working, to stay happy all the time in it, and to never let the charm fade away,

It takes two people who deeply in love with each other, to give 100%, to take 100%,

to make their togetherness worthy to keep. :)

Anyway, I'd like to congratulate them for the wedding, may they happily ever after! :)

The Silver Lining

Above all, I'd like to thank Almighty Allah, all praise and gratefulness is due to Allah Subhana Wa Taaala, the One gave me the strength to complete this 'work'. I really thank You for the uncountable blessings. :')

At first I thought I would not make this: to survive a can't-be-measured yard fall. I was that pessimistic. But see me now, I am alive. I did get by. I survived!

When the darkest cloud blinded me by hiding sunshine, I'd known it was trying to tell me not to be weak, to bounce back after I touch the ground, to pick myself up after hitting rock. Failure is painful, but only through the failure we eventually meet with success. It took long and difficult road, but it was the only way out.

I chose to walk and believe in that path then I saw the beautiful silver lining came out between the dark clouds. That was the time I recovered and gained back my ability to see.

A silver lining... that bring me home. :)

Without the darkest cloud, I might be not able to find the lining, or the lining couldn't reach me if the sun and clouds were not playing hide and seek. Clouds may come, but clouds must go. For behind each cloud you know, the sun is shining. To the darkest cloud, thank you for guiding me to the silver lining. :)

I am walking into the lining now. Hope all is well with the journey. It's not always a smooth one, but I am pretty sure I will make it. The success of surviving previous failure gives me confidence that high. There may be some rough patches in between I have to face, but I will try my best. Navigate yourself to success as its destination and when you spend times not knowing which way to go... Follow the light. Walking in to the silver lining. You'll end up arriving at happy ending.

Dear silver lining, just keep shining to lead my way! :)